Lunch Minute

Bizarro is brought to you today by I.Q. Test in a Can.

This is one of those ideas that popped into my head from nowhere, no relation to anything I was doing or looking at.

It might, however, have been subconsciously suggested by my own schedule. Though I don't work in an office and haven't since the mid-nineties when I worked daily in an illustration studio, I do work way too many hours a week. I stop for lunch, dinner and a late afternoon nap, but usually put in 8 to 10 hours a day, seven days a week. I almost never do anything fun or social unless I'm out of town. It's getting me down.

I'm working toward taking a small amount of time every day, especially on weekends, to do something fun for myself. I'd love to have more time to work on fine art, but it just isn't in the cards at the moment.

The first step I'm taking to this end is not accepting as many out-of-town gigs like appearances and comedy shows. They're fun and I really enjoy them, but getting ahead on deadlines before I leave and catching up on emails when I get back is killing me. Not to mention how tired I am of schlepping through airports.

Many of you might be thinking, "How dare you complain about such a fun career?" Okay, you're right. I'm a terrible person and I take it back. I'm very grateful for my job, I live indoors, eat regularly and like it so much better than any number of things I might be doing or used to do before Bizarro made enough money to support me. But no matter what you do, you can't keep putting out without taking in. It wears on you and you become a zombie.

Enough complaining. You didn't stop by this blog today to read my pathetic whining. Plus, I have to get back to work. Oh, wait, this blog is part of my job. My favorite part, actually.

You're a lamb for reading. Thanks for letting me vent.

(DISCLAIMER: I am not suicidal, don't worry. Yes, I'm still taking my crazy pills. I eat right and when the weather is good I ride my bike for exercise. I do not own a gun, so you are unlikely to read of me bursting into a local church or school and mowing down innocent strangers. Yes, things could be worse, I know that, I'm fine, really. Tomorrow's post will be less serious.)

Gumby and Goliath

(And the angel said, "Weep not over the smallness of the image, for ye must only click it and have faith.")

Bizarro is brought to you today by Drunken Shriners.

I didn't realize this was Spring Break for some people when I submitted this cartoon six weeks ago, but it's a fairly suitable image for it. Just change the waiter's line to, "Seniors?" This cartoon, however, is not about getting drunk, but melting in the sun because you're made of putty. Just so you know.

CHNW and I recently saw a pretty interesting documentary on Art Clokey, the guy who invented the Gumby and Pokey series. The story behind the development of the series was somewhat interesting but the strange twists that his personal life took are fascinating. I recommend it to anyone interested in human behavior. The film is called Gumby Dharma. Careful with that keyboard – if you accidentally order Dharma and Greg, my previous comments may not apply.

Clokey is also responsible for the Davey and Goliath series, animated shorts that are as difficult to turn away from as a train wreck and for all the same reasons. D&G has the same quirky, jerky animation techniques but adds an insufferably precious element of morality. If you're like me, it makes you squirm and giggle with embarassment for the producers who created it as you ask yourself incredulously, "who buys this crap?" But the documentary casts a whole new light on it.

If you've not seen Davey and Goliath, ask your doctor if watching Davey and Goliath is right for you.

(DISCLAIMER: As a child, I was a fan of Gumby and Pokey and do not wish them ill. By making fun of D&G, I am not making fun of Christianity or morals per se. Even when I was a devout Christian, I found D&G to be squirm worthy. Linking to a picture of a figurine of Jesus with children does not mean I hate children or your idea of Jesus. My use of the word "morality" in a humorous context does not mean I am ammoral. Your experiences while watching the aforementioned programs may be different from mine.)

Pi Day

(click the funny funny picture to make it bigger, clearer)

This special edition of Bizarro is brought to you by Pi.

Because today is March 14th (3/14), math nerds everywhere (like me) are celebrating Pi Day. Sometimes confused with Pie Day, which is on January 23rd, today's variety refers to the magical math number 3.1415blahblahblah, which is called "pi" by those of us in the know.

There are lots of things you can do with pi, like figure out something about a circle or time travel or something. It's been a while since I was in a math class, but I remember it was really useful.

For you history buffs, "pi" was first invented by the people who built Stonehenge, which is really just a bunch of them stuck together.

Squirrels of the Caribbean

Bizarro is brought to you today by Foolproof Get Rich Quick Schemes.

We were all raised believing that pirates habitually buried their treasure like it was a trait of their species, beyond their control, something they just did without thinking like the way certain tough guys adjust their scrotum every 45 seconds.

In all likelihood this stereotype comes from a single source, like Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. But I wonder if it has any historical basis at all. Did any pirate ever bury a treasure and then forget to go back and get it? Did any pirate ever bury a treasure at all? If so, why?

It can't be one of those schemes you see in movies sometimes when a guy steals something, hides it, turns himself in, then spends the money when he gets out of prison. A pirate would know that if he ever got caught, he'd never see the light of day again. Was it to save room on the ship? Were pirate ships typically so crowded with scallywags, wenches and scurvy knaves that they needed the extra two square feet a treasure chest inhabited?

And what's with those useless maps they made? Even a pirate would know that a map that consisted of drawings of trees and dotted lines would not be enough to navigate by. These guys were professional navigators, for Pete's sake. And who is Pete? Why have so many people done things for his sake? Is he at grateful? Does he even know what we've been doing on his behalf?

As a person who has published a book about pirates (okay, a book of pirate cartoons) I know all too well that the mysterious life of the pirate raises far more questions than it answers. Perhaps it is best that we never know the truth and just admire these filthy, ruthless, criminals for the romantic heroes they were.

Celebrating Celebs

Bizarro is brought to you today by Questionable Public Behavior.

I think celebrities often go off the deep end because they are used to being above the rules. I've experienced this on rare occasions when a group in a small town invites me to perform or something. For an hour or two, they treat me like Mick Jagger or Dane Cook. I don't wait in lines, I get special favors, everyone treats me like gold, nobody disagrees with me or questions any whim. I don't take unfair advantage of those situations because they are so rare and I don't feel entitled to it. In fact, it's fairly embarrassing.

But if you lived every day of your life like that for years, I think there is a great temptation to begin to believe you really are that special and develop a general attitude that you are immune to the rules that guide most people. I think this explains some of the celebrity drug addictions, weapons possessions, speeding tickets, shoplifting arrests, and the way Bono looks on the recent cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

I hope I never get to the place that there is no one in my life who will stop me from leaving the house like that.

(DISCLAIMER: There are other reasons celebrities get into trouble. Lots of people who get into trouble are not celebrities. Some people are more prone to feeling entitled than others, whether they are celebrities or not. I like Bono's music and his work for charity. I am not equating myself with "real" celebrities. I don't think Mick Jagger and Dane Cook are crazy, I just used their pictures to illustrate a point. I really do, however, think that eye makeup on Bono is grotesque.)

Bird Envy

Bizarro is brought to you today by Extremely Young Morticians.

Here is another gag submitted by my strange friend, Derek. I changed it a tiny bit, not much, and I think it is his best yest. There have been many cartoon versions of the "Wrong brothers" before, but this one is fresh and simple, in my opinion. It makes me chuckle.

I admit that I didn't research Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. For all I know there are no bluffs within twenty miles, it's as flat as a pancake and that's why the Wright brothers chose it. Nothing to run into.

If the Wright brothers could see what today's flight industry has become, they would be astounded by how badly I was treated by Delta two weeks ago when they stranded me for a day in Atlanta, then left my luggage outside in the rain overnight. This was NOT what Orville and Wilbur had in mind.

Blind Justice is 20/20

Bizarro is brought to you today by Lassie Knows Dad is Hiding Something.

Lawyers like jokes about themselves. Almost any time I do a joke about lawyers, an attorney contacts me and wants to buy the original art. You might say that's because they frequently have expendable income, but the same thing is true of doctors and I don't hear from them when I do a doctor cartoon. There's just something about the sort of personality that becomes a lawyer that enjoys self-deprecating humor.

Granted, it would require a sense of humor to live with the fact that your chosen profession is among the highest paid and most hated in society, and that many times during your career you will be required to use all of your intellectual faculties to assure that a guilty party goes unpunished. It's a pretty weird job.

I have nothing against the sort of people who become lawyers, with some exceptions. I have several friends who are attorneys and find nothing fundamentally wrong with them. They just have a different perspective on the world than I do, as they tend to respect law above justice. I think the average person is the other way around.

I suspect most lawyers would agree that courts are about "law" and not particularly interested in "justice." There are a lot of high-minded reasons for this with which I agree, but I'm not cut out to serve that system on a daily basis. If I had been the judge overseeing the O.J. case for instance, when the jury announced their "not guilty" verdict, I would have sentenced him to life in prison anyway. And that's only because I don't believe in the death penalty.


SPECIAL COMMENT NOT RELATED TO LAW OR THE ABOVE CARTOON:
Thank no one (atheist) I came out with this idea before this cartoon appeared in The New Yorker. Different cartoonists coming across the same idea independently is very common, it's just way better to be in the first position rather than the second. I'm guessing this idea has been touched upon by other cartoonists in the past, too, so I can't get too cocky. Mick Stevens is one of my favorites from New Yorker, so I'm honored to be in good company.