COMEDY SHOW!!!

(Click the image for largerer viewage.)

A RARE COMEDY EVENT COMING TO YOUR TOWN!!!
(If your town is New York City.)

I'm doing one of my increasingly rare comedy shows in NYC for an ENTIRE WEEK next month and I can't bear the thought of going on unless you're going to be there. Please don't break my already fragile heart by saying, "I can't afford to fly all the way to New York From Seattle," or "I wish I could be there but I'm in prison until 2019." What is more important to you? Your precious money or my flimsy ego? (Before you answer that, consider that I will give you an autograph when you come to the show, which you can then sell on eBay to offset $3-$4 of your airfare and hotel costs.)

Seriously, this is a big show for me. I do a talk or a short set now and then, most often on the West Coast, but I'm doing fewer of these long-form comedy shows all the time and this is a full week of performances off-Broadway in NYC, so there are a lot of seats to fill. Please come. If you can't come, send someone you know in NYC to the show and tell them to tell me you said "hi."

After the show, you'll be able to meet me, Jason, and Matthew as we hang out in the lobby selling books, signing breasts, and pooping out witty ripostes like a member of the Algonquin Round Table. If you're lucky, you might even meet CHNW!

Ticket info here. Hope to see you there!

Wall Street and Hong Kong

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Hurtful Hair.

Here's my little shot at the legion of despicable Wall Street scum that recently destroyed our economy. We all hate them, and rightly so. We're all tired of politicians treating them like babies strapped with dynamite and we're all tired of these asses staying rich while the rest of us lose our jobs. But we're also tired of hearing about it, so let's talk about Bruce Lee.

I recently saw some old videos of this guy on YouTube and it made me question reality. How can this guy have done what he apparently did? I'm not talking about "make corny kung fu movies," I'm talking about his feats of physical speed, strength, accuracy, agility, etc.

Below is a video of Lee playing ping pong. I'm actually a pretty decent ping pong player and was proud of that fact until I saw this. If this film is real, on my best day my ping pong skills more closely resemble a trained bear whacking a brick wall with a wet beach towel.

Either this video is fake, or Bruce Lee was a witch.

(NOTE: Lee is playing with nunchucks rather than a paddle. For the unfamiliar, nunchucks are a martial arts weapon consisting of two sticks of wood joined by a short length of chain.)

Cool Vid

Nothing to do with my cartoon, I just found this video to be really cool.

God in Nature

This is a special posting about an unusual phenomenon called to my attention by a regular reader in Minnesota, whom I'll call "Charles."

It seems that on the day the cartoon below appeared in the paper, Charles saw the face of Jesus in it. He described this to me by email and asked if I'd done it intentionally. I politely told him no and that I couldn't figure out what he was talking about.

















He sent me this explanation but I still could not see it and was content to write him off as one of the legions of mentally unbalanced people who follow Bizarro.











Finally, just out of curiosity, I backed way off from the computer and took my glasses off. With the proper distance and blur it came into focus, so to speak.

Below is a version I've doctored with an orange outline which describes the shape I believe he saw. It's a fairly unconventional version of Jesus, but perhaps this is how our Minnesota friend sees him. Or, perhaps "He" just has a wacky side.




















Charles later told me that the morning he witnessed the divine vision he had a bad case of flu and was not wearing his glasses. I couldn't help but wonder how many times this has happened people reading Garfield or Apartment 3G.

Let this be a warning to us all about viewing the funny pages in poor health and without the proper optical aids.


For more images of the almighty, click on the words "God's wrath" in the previous post.
Many thanks to Chuck Strinz for bringing this to my attention. Check out his video production company, Back On The Mississippi and his current PBS project, Museums of Minnesota.

Kartoon Kwiz

Bizarro is today you brought by to Word Order.


Since so many people ask me questions about the details in my drawings, I thought it might be fun to have a quiz about today's cartoon. Answers are at the bottom of this post. Good luck!!

1. What type of dog is featured in the cartoon?

2. In what city does the cartoon take place? (hint)

3. How do you draw an alien?

4. Is the human in the cartoon meant to be actor Tony Roberts?

5. What vintage is the wine the aliens are drinking?

6. If a train leaves Chicago at noon traveling east at 200 mph, leaves the track in Cincinnatti and plows through this park, hitting the man, his dog, the two aliens and their spaceship, what time does it arrive in Seattle?

7. Why are women so damned complicated?

ANSWERS:
1. A cartoon dog 2. Indianapolis 3.Make light pencil lines on paper in the shape of an alien, then trace over them in ink. 4. No. Sadly, most people don't remember Tony Roberts. 5. The aliens' ability to transcend space and time make it impossible to say. 6. Never, Seattle is west of Chicago. 7. You tell me, I give up.

Score yourself:
7 correct answers – Congratulations! You could be a professional cartoonist!
5-6 correct – Not a genius, but you play one on TV.
3–4 correct – Your medication needs adjusting.
1–2 correct – Sorry, you won't be on my "phone a friend" list.
0 correct – Turn off your computer, leave the room quietly, and never speak of this.

Video Thing

I like this video shot in NYC. Thought you might, too.

The Lost Tribes of New York City from Carolyn London on Vimeo.

Le Chick Cam

Please enjoy this live cam from Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary responsibly.

As happens frequently this time of year we received a call from a school teacher looking for a home for 5 just-hatched chicks -- the living, breathing result of a classroom project. As cute as these fuzzballs are, they will grow into larger hens and roosters who have a lot of space and care requirements, and can live for over a decade.

If you're a parent or student who hears of an upcoming hatching project, please encourage that teacher to consider more humane alternatives to hatching.

In the meantime, they're ridiculously cute, so during daytime hours EST you can see them live:


Financial times are tough for us all and even worse for charities. But for only a few bucks a month you can help these homeys get by. Anyone who donates to their care automatically becomes my BFF. For reals. Awesome. Dude.

BTW: that's a child's teddy bear in the cage, not roadkill.

My Monsterhood

Bizarro is brought to you today by Live Chick Cam.

When I do jokes about cosmetic surgery, people sometimes assume I am against it. Far from it. I am not only totally in favor of cosmetic surgery, it saved my life.

If you're not familiar with my breathtaking looks, have a glance at the photos at the top of this page. Most people think that nature blessed me with an incredibly fortunate combination of genes, but it is not true. In fact, not unlike Frankenstein's monster, I came into this world as a hideous beast that sent children and adults alike running in terror. As I got older, the problem only got worse. My parents feared I would be doomed to a life of solitude and failure.

Then everything changed one day when I was 17 years old. My mom and I were on our way to the grocery store (I was banned from the store because I made the other customers too sick to buy food, but I enjoyed the ride) when she ran over something that she thought was a dog. Mother screeched to a halt and jumped out of the car, as no one in my family could turn down free meat. But alas, it was not a dog we had hit but a man. A man who was under the car and still alive. A man who was the most gifted plastic surgeon in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

When I leaned down to look under the car all I could see was a dark lumpy shadow pinned beneath the transmission. From the darkness of that twisted shape came the words I will remember for as long as I live, "I can fix that."

One year later, the good doctor was walking with only the aid of a cane and I was a new man. Doors of opportunity that I never dreamed possible with my hideous former face were thrown open like sphincters at a colonoscopy convention. By the time I was 26, I was given a syndication contract for Bizarro based on my looks alone.

The rest is history.

Saggy Ink

Bizarro is brought to you today by an Awesome Rock Show.

Simple word play again today, seems to be the week for it. Nothing much to say about this one other than that Cliff is a friend of mine, with whom I am working on a book project. His fiance did not break up with him, however. He's happily married.

In other news, Parade Magazine continues to publish my cartoons from time to time and below is one they've featured as a caption contest. If you consider yourself a captioneer you can still enter their contest and win whatever it is they are awarding.

A lot of people really enjoy caption contests and I'd have one on this blog except that I've found two things to be true of them:
1. it is a tedious task to sift through all of the entries, many of which are uncannily identical
2. if 800 people enter, you make one person happy and piss off 799

Seems a losing proposition to me so I'll not be offering any caption contests here, but if you want to submit your idea for this cartoon in the comments section, I'll read it. I won't choose a winner and all you stand to win is my silent respect. Obscene captions will be deleted as I continue to attempt to keep this blog relatively family friendly so I can continue to list the URL in my client newspapers.

Thanks for understanding, you're a sweetheart.

After the Parade contest is over, I'll tell you my original caption for this cartoon. Which I meant to use in Bizarro and maybe did. I can't remember just now and can't find my archives. If I didn't use it, I will later this year. The joke was inspired by CHNW's grandmother, who has numerous tattoos, most of which she got after the age of 60.

Save My Reputation

World-famous cartoonist, Dan Piraro, at a Halloween party in 1991 wearing a costume of his own design, holding a baby who was not. (of his own design)

Okay, I'm putting myself on the line here by telling you I'm involved in an auction. I say "on the line" because if nobody bids to have lunch with me, I'll look very unpopular, at least with people who have easy access to NYC and are willing to pay over a $200 to have lunch with somebody who is not a prostitute or an elected official. Not including food.

Come to think of it, that's seems pretty steep. Now I feel a lot of pressure to be enchanting and fabulous at lunch, if someone does bid. Why do I get myself into these things?

It's for a good cause, so bid away, even if you have no intention of meeting me for lunch. Here's my auction: Lunch with a Loser
Here's the other auctions for the same charity: People More Famous Than Dan Piraro

Gumby and Goliath

(And the angel said, "Weep not over the smallness of the image, for ye must only click it and have faith.")

Bizarro is brought to you today by Drunken Shriners.

I didn't realize this was Spring Break for some people when I submitted this cartoon six weeks ago, but it's a fairly suitable image for it. Just change the waiter's line to, "Seniors?" This cartoon, however, is not about getting drunk, but melting in the sun because you're made of putty. Just so you know.

CHNW and I recently saw a pretty interesting documentary on Art Clokey, the guy who invented the Gumby and Pokey series. The story behind the development of the series was somewhat interesting but the strange twists that his personal life took are fascinating. I recommend it to anyone interested in human behavior. The film is called Gumby Dharma. Careful with that keyboard – if you accidentally order Dharma and Greg, my previous comments may not apply.

Clokey is also responsible for the Davey and Goliath series, animated shorts that are as difficult to turn away from as a train wreck and for all the same reasons. D&G has the same quirky, jerky animation techniques but adds an insufferably precious element of morality. If you're like me, it makes you squirm and giggle with embarassment for the producers who created it as you ask yourself incredulously, "who buys this crap?" But the documentary casts a whole new light on it.

If you've not seen Davey and Goliath, ask your doctor if watching Davey and Goliath is right for you.

(DISCLAIMER: As a child, I was a fan of Gumby and Pokey and do not wish them ill. By making fun of D&G, I am not making fun of Christianity or morals per se. Even when I was a devout Christian, I found D&G to be squirm worthy. Linking to a picture of a figurine of Jesus with children does not mean I hate children or your idea of Jesus. My use of the word "morality" in a humorous context does not mean I am ammoral. Your experiences while watching the aforementioned programs may be different from mine.)

All By Myself

Just came across this very short clip by London-based animator Michael Schlingmann and wanted to share it.

Ash Wednesday

Since today is Ash Wednesday, I thought I'd post a short, special tribute to my ex-girlfriend and wife, Ashley, a.k.a. CHNW, whom I commonly call, "Ash."

Here she is wearing a coat that has bunny ears on the hood. She has related to non-human animals in a special way since early childhood and cannot seem to break the habit. (Anyone who makes a bestiality comment gets voted off the island.)

Here she is with a rescued fawn at Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary. The momma doe was killed by a car so we took in the fawn for a few days until we could find a wildlife rehabilitator. The fawn was fond of sucking on Ash's earlobe for comfort, which Ashley enjoyed, too. What a nice lady.

Here, she is very excited about a rescued calf at Woodstock, whom we named Dylan. He was found tied up inside a dark barn and was destined to be veal. That was a few years ago, now he is all grown up and the size of a Cadillac Escalade. He still comes to the fence when Ash calls him, and clearly has affection for her. She can no longer get inside the pasture with him, however, for he could accidentally crush her skull with a twitch of his upper lip. Did I mention he is large?

Here is the obligatory Ashley with chicken and donkey shot. This kind of thing tends to happen to her a lot, this time it was at Leilani Farm Sanctuary in Maui. Keen observers will notice there are two donkeys in this picture, one is pushing his nose into Ashley's butt. Who can blame him?

Here she is sharing a guava with said butt-muncher.

Speaking of butts, in this photo, Ash cleverly displays the world's largest nut, which comes from a palm tree of some sort. Since it is somewhat difficult to discern the nut from Ashley's own booty, I have included a picture of myself with said nut for proportion.















To conclude this special Ash Wednesday edition I offer this picture of Ash in a medieval helmet. This took place a couple of years ago in an Italian museum which does not employ enough guards to prevent this sort of thing.






(Special thanks to my buddy, Richard Cabeza, who's also married to an "Ash" and who reminded me of this special day.)

Comedy and Cake

Bizarro is brought to you today by Oprah.

My mysterious e-friend, Derek, has been sending me some fun ideas lately, and here's another one. Though I get pun suggestions from readers daily and turn down the overwhelming majority of them, sometimes there is one that when combined with a fun pic is worthwhile. (In my opinion. Some commentators on this blog will doubtless disagree.)

I also do cartoons for Parade Magazine and I had originally submitted this one to them. They wanted to use it but didn't get back to me quickly enough and I used it for Bizarro instead because of an looming deadline.

It's been a while since I've posted any of my Parade cartoons, so here are a few to point your eyeballs at.

This is as close to an animal rights message as I'll likely ever get into Parade Magazine. And, of course, only a person who is already familiar with the movement would see it as such.

Even when I was still consuming dairy products, I wondered why I found bovine milk acceptable when I knew full well that a glass of dog milk, or even an anonymous human's milk would turn my stomach. Human milk would certainly be better suited to our bodies – designed specifically for it, in fact – but I suspect a rack (pun intended) of commercially packaged human milk from anonymous donors would not sell well in the local grocery store.

I thought this was a fun gag. Unlike most of my work, it is a simple concept without a paragraph or more of dialogue and a tag line at the bottom. Most of the other cartoonists in Parade opt for the borderless image with the spoken line printed in quotes beneath the picture. I still prefer to box it in and letter the captions myself. Maybe I'm just a control freak.






And here is what my Parade cartoons look like in the paper, wedged between "Howard Huge" and an ad about foot fungus or something. As you can see, Parade is one of those magazines that takes the artist's signature off and prints it in the margin instead. I've never cared for that style, but what are you going to do? A person making a living as a cartoonist is luckier than the average lottery winner, so you don't complain about where or how you're being published.

The other half of that equation is that I wouldn't have a career without you, the reader. That may sound corny, but that's only because it is corny. But it's still true. Thanks for reading.

P.S. The links to cake pics that are featured today came from this amazingly amusing blog:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Christmas Humor

My friend and colleague, J. C. Duffy, of The Fusco Brothers syndicated strip and New Yorker magazine cartoon fame, posted what I consider to be a funny cartoon and a clever poem last week. The cartoon is at right, seek ye here for the poem.

His other posts are quite amusing, as well. His blog is one of my few daily reads.

Stuffed

My readers interested in veganism and animal rights will no doubt notice that I did not mention my feelings about animal slavery in the previous post including the cartoon about zoos. I think the cartoon says enough so I didn't expound. For those of you who don't know my opinions on this and are interested, I find all forms of animal exploitation – for entertainment, medical experiments, food and clothing (in countries where alternatives are available) – ethically indefesible.

And now, for the holiday season, I present to you what I consider to be a clever and humorous short essay about the "turducken" from a brilliant writer, Francesco Marciuliano. He is not vegetarian, or at least he wasn't last time we had a meal together, but he is sympathetic to my views on the subject. I haven't asked him, but I'd like to think I may have influenced this essay. Both his writing and his cartoons are among the few things I read daily.

Here also is a cartoon I did last year on the same subject.

(Click the image to see biggerized)

Bush Commemorative Stamp

Here's a sketch I did of a Bush commemorative postage stamp. The face isn't all that great, but it's a quick sketch proposed to a magazine. If they bought it (which they didn't), I'd have redrawn it. I know it looks more-or-less finished, but that's because I drew it on my computer, tracing over a photo of shrub and various images of old stamps.

There are commercials on TV now for an Obama commemorative plate and mug. It comes with a certificate of authenticity. They don't tell you what makes that plate and mug with a picture of Obama printed on it more "authentic" than some other plate and mug with a picture of Obama printed on it.

Pinching Loaves

Thanks to my friend, Jezzka, and regular reader of this blog for the following video with some excellent cooking tips.

Brilliant New Blog

I've discovered a new daily blog that has really caught my attention. There are only four things I read daily, this has joined the list. If you like this one, go here for a daily dose: http://deadpaninc.blogspot.com/

V for Vengeance, B for Beauty