X-Ray Specks

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Perfect Holiday Gifts.

When I was a kid, it was a somewhat common element of suspense stories to have a guy handcuffed to an important briefcase. He was usually some hotshot spy or secret agent and there would invariably be a scene where he'd have to fight off villains while wearing the breifcase. When he was caught, of course, there was the tension of them threatening to chop his hand off to get the case, as if just cutting open the case were not an option.

While going through airport security last month, taking off my flipflops (because flipflop-shaped bombs and guns are so common), I thought of this image. I assumed the days of this kind of courier were over because of 9/11, but since this cartoon appeared in newspapers a week ago, I've heard from four different agencies/people that actually do this for a living and have this problem. They've described various strange solutions, one of them said that in a foreign country he was forced to check the case and ride the conveyor belt through the luggage tunnels to reach the plane.

As a bonus chuckle, here is a sketch for another cartoon I did a few years ago on this same theme, which is too adult for Bizarro, but not filthy enough for adult magazines. Thus, this meager blog is it's world premier.

(As always, click the cartoon to enlargerize.)

Naughty Potato

Bizarro is brought to you today by Transvestite Comics.

I'll be honest, I'm not crazy about this cartoon. I like the idea of playing around with cartoon logic within a cartoon, but I don't think this one is particularly successful. I hope some readers liked it, though. I'm not always a good judge of what people will like.

So instead, I'll offer you another one of my adult cartoons. The cartoon linked below has never been published anywhere, so this is the first time anyone other than the cartoon editor at Playboy, my wife, or I have seen it.

I used to publish cartoons in Playboy a few years ago, I think there were six or eight over the course of a year and a half, maybe. I stopped submitting because, oddly enough, they were too restrictive. Hefner still vets all the cartoons that go into the magazine and he's really picky. He wants the women to be hot in the Playboy sense, so you can't do a joke that features fat women, old women, creepy women, ugly women. My "Medusa on a nude beach" cartoon was rejected, for instance. He wants the cartoons to glorify sexual liberation and be the stuff of fantasy, not reality, so there goes any joke about a nagging wife or STDs or transvestites or homosexuality, etc... They can't feature anything about bondage or it can't be exported to Canada, which is why the one below was rejected. The list of "no-nos" goes on and on. After a while, all you're left with is the same dozen subjects you've seen in Playboy for five decades now.

I don't mean to criticize the cartoonists who work and have worked for Playboy. There are many legends among them and thousands of classic cartoons have come from that magazine. My objection is purely about the limitations of subject matter.

This one was submitted before I knew of the "no bondage" themes rule. I like to keep this blog suitable for all ages, so if you're under 18, ask your guardian if you click on Naughty Mr. Potato Head. Or any of the above links, come to think of it.

Hi, Treason!

I know this is crass but it is also true and funny. A good friend of mine and fellow cartoonist, Michael Capozzola, thought up this gag and I created it in Photoshop from a campaign poster I found online.

Regardless of whether you are liberal or conservative, it is impossible to intentionally argue that Sarah Palin is qualified or in any way suitable to be in charge of the most powerful country on earth. Considering McCain's age and health, it is more than irresponsible to choose her for that office, it is treasonous.

Snakes on a Plane

Today's cartoon is brought to you buy Greek Mythological Premises, Inc.

This was neither a Bizarro cartoon, nor one printed in Parade Magazine. I drew this one because I think it's a great joke but never found a place to print it in the U.S. It's been printed in cartoon magazines in Scandinavia, where people do not fear that nudity or sexual humor will lead to the decay of society, but nowhere else that I know of. I show it at comedy shows, as it is one of my favorites from my career and always gets a good laugh.

Taking this premise further, Medusa would also have snakes in her arm pits and on her legs and arms. Gross. And shaving would be even grosser. Let's not talk about it.