Boats, Bottles, and Taters

Bizarro is brought to you today by LowRider Boats.

When I was a kid, I was fascinated by ships in a bottle. When I finally found out how this is achieved, I was even more fascinated. I know the "canoe in a bottle" is a dry joke, to say the least, but it's the sort of thing I'd actually like to have in my home. I wouldn't have an actual ship in a bottle, but a canoe in a bottle would be just about right.

Someone once gave me a bottle of pear brandy with a full-size pear in the bottle. The way they create them is simple, but I still find it a strange idea. I'd love to see one of the trees they come from. Who first thought of this? Someone should do this with a watermelon, allowing the melon to fill the bottle entirely, then add vodka to preserve it. I would laugh at that.


As an added bonus today, here is the header panel for a Sunday Bizarro that will run in late March. I just created it yesterday, it will go with a Mr. Potato Head joke. The kid in the photo is me at about age 2.

Useful Children

Bizarro is brought to you today by This Century's Village People.

Kids. What're you gonna do with 'em?

I have to modestly admit I really like this gag. The picture alone makes me smile as the house frau attempts to change channels by squeezing the baby. I also really like the dad's T-shirt, which is one of my Bizarro aliens. Did you know you can purchase this very shirt, or any of my other "secret symbols" on a shirt here? Now you do.

A while back, I published a Sunday cartoon a small part of which was the design below. A couple of people asked me if I'd be releasing that design on T-shirts. (Side note: I hate that term "releasing" used in that way. It comes from the record industry, I think, as they try to drum up excitement about a new album. It makes it sound as though they have a product in a cage somewhere and are going to unleash it on the public. Whoa, Katy bar the door.) So yes, I will be offering this design on shirts soon. Keep an eye (or both, so it doesn't give you a headache) on this blog for info on how/when to order. I have high hopes of selling more than a dozen! I shoot for the moon, that's how I roll.

Comedy and Cake

Bizarro is brought to you today by Oprah.

My mysterious e-friend, Derek, has been sending me some fun ideas lately, and here's another one. Though I get pun suggestions from readers daily and turn down the overwhelming majority of them, sometimes there is one that when combined with a fun pic is worthwhile. (In my opinion. Some commentators on this blog will doubtless disagree.)

I also do cartoons for Parade Magazine and I had originally submitted this one to them. They wanted to use it but didn't get back to me quickly enough and I used it for Bizarro instead because of an looming deadline.

It's been a while since I've posted any of my Parade cartoons, so here are a few to point your eyeballs at.

This is as close to an animal rights message as I'll likely ever get into Parade Magazine. And, of course, only a person who is already familiar with the movement would see it as such.

Even when I was still consuming dairy products, I wondered why I found bovine milk acceptable when I knew full well that a glass of dog milk, or even an anonymous human's milk would turn my stomach. Human milk would certainly be better suited to our bodies – designed specifically for it, in fact – but I suspect a rack (pun intended) of commercially packaged human milk from anonymous donors would not sell well in the local grocery store.

I thought this was a fun gag. Unlike most of my work, it is a simple concept without a paragraph or more of dialogue and a tag line at the bottom. Most of the other cartoonists in Parade opt for the borderless image with the spoken line printed in quotes beneath the picture. I still prefer to box it in and letter the captions myself. Maybe I'm just a control freak.






And here is what my Parade cartoons look like in the paper, wedged between "Howard Huge" and an ad about foot fungus or something. As you can see, Parade is one of those magazines that takes the artist's signature off and prints it in the margin instead. I've never cared for that style, but what are you going to do? A person making a living as a cartoonist is luckier than the average lottery winner, so you don't complain about where or how you're being published.

The other half of that equation is that I wouldn't have a career without you, the reader. That may sound corny, but that's only because it is corny. But it's still true. Thanks for reading.

P.S. The links to cake pics that are featured today came from this amazingly amusing blog:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Eat Thy Neighbor As You Would Have Them . . .

Bizarro is brought to you today by Planned Parenthood.

The day this cartoon ran in papers, my new email friend, Bernie, wrote and said "Wouldn't it have had more 'kick' if the can read 'Can-nibbles?'"

Yes, it probably would have, but I didn't think of it. Wish I had. When are you readers going to learn to weigh in with your ideas before I go to print?

The better punch line notwithstanding, I like this gag, especially the severed leg on the can label. I wondered if this cartoon might offend some readers, and I did get a few emails about it. The thought is disgusting, yes, but I find it not much more disgusting than eating the body parts of the corpses of other species. No matter who you're eating, somebody died in misery and left behind mourners.

Most humans don't believe non-human animals can mourn, but I know from experience that they do. That isn't the point of this cartoon, of course, it's just one of the many extras you get free of charge for reading this blog!

By the way, did I mention I'm doing a comedy show in New York City next week? Come see me, it's for charity!

NYC COMEDY SHOW with ME!

For you readers who live in the New York City vicinity, I'll be emceeing a really terrific comedy show next week. It's a charity benefit we do every year and is usually a sellout, so get your tix now!

If you come to the show and tell me you found out about it from this blog, I'll give you a coupon for a 50% discount at any retail outlet of any kind in the 50 United States. Just tell them "Dan sent me," then wink.





















I know all these comedians and can vouch for their funniness. And I'm one hell of a funny emcee, so you can't miss with this ticket. It's the perfect pre-Valentine's date because scientists have proven in the laboratory that nothing gets people feeling sexy faster than comedy. So-o-o much better than staying at home and being surprised by burglars. Especially French ones.

More info here!

Potato Prophecies

Bizarro is brought to you today by Strange Bedfellows.

This cartoon is significant for two reasons:

1. The crux of the idea came from a cartoon sent to me by
my e-friend, Derek, who went off on one of his rare diatribes in the comments section of this blog yesterday.
2. During the Super Bowl yesterday, there was a commercial featuring Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

Coincidence? Tom Cruise would say not.

Mr. Potato Head is a rich source of humor for cartoonists. Personally, my favorite aspect of the tuber folk is their detachable parts. I wonder if anyone has ever manufactured genitalia for the Potato Head line. I was careful when drawing this cartoon, for instance, to be sure the "lips" looked like a mouth. Although a plastic vagina would have been so much funnier.

When I was a kid back in the mid-1900s, we used real potatoes with these parts. It gives you far more creative options for placement when you don't have to rely on the pre-drilled holes. We also used to bring other vegetables into the storyline, dramatizing attacks from gangs of sideshow freaks or aliens from outer space.

As I write this, it occurs to me that the Potato Head line is missing a whole slew of opportunities for potato prosthetics. How about a mythology line with horns, cyclops eye, wings, animal appendages? Or a horror line with fangs, claws, melting facial features, a bloody gash. And why stop with potatoes? The cast of Broadway's "Cats" could be done with fruits. A Mr. Pumpkin Head line that looks like Rush Limbaugh seems like a natural for Right Wing kids in the Bible Belt.

Which brings to mind Bible-themed Potato Head toys. What fruit or veggy would Jesus be?

Watching You

(Can't see the punch line, old timer? [me either] Click the image to make it bigger.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Psychodelic Sex.

You might expect me to say that I don't like these "your speed" signs, that they are just another step toward the "Big Brother" society so chillingly described by George Orwell in his masterpiece, 1984. (For those of you too young to remember, Orwell was right – that year was freaky!)

But truth be told, I like these signs. Not because I want to stop people from speeding, like that PTA-power-crazed mom in your neighborhood who secretly wants to be dictator of the world so her children will never experience a single unpleasantness, but precisely because I am the speeder. Because those signs work and slow drivers down instantly, you can bet there are no cops hiding nearby. So I just step on the gas and see how high I can make the fluorescent numbers go.

Regarding the other three signs, I don't care how old people are or their Facebook habits, but I think it might be fun to have an I.Q. sign. It might just take a little of the piss out of that redneck in the Dodge Ram pickup who just blew past you on the entrance ramp.

Speaking of Facebook: if anyone reading this has ever sent me a message on Facebook, please don't expect an answer. I only go on their once every few weeks to click "accept" on the friendship requests and "ignore" on all the other stuff as fast as possible, then I'm off. I'm happy to have a personal correspondance with you, but please direct it to my email address, which can be found at Bizarro.com.

That being said, I'm around a month behind on emails, so please don't send anything frivolous like, "Why is there a piece of pie in Wednesday's cartoon?" The answer to that is on Bizarro.com, too. Just click "Secret Symbols" at the bottom of the home page.

Thank you for reading. May you always travel with the wind to your back and may your body's bacteria be beneficial.